spend the whole of today studying chem chemical equilibrium. the more i read into the lecture notes, the more confusing i got. den i atempted the tutorial and i realised what i have been reading for the past few hours was totally bullshit cos i can't even do a single tutorial qn.

i need tuition.

but i tink no one can absorb chemical equilibrium in 4 hours of intense reading lah.. they took a few weeks to complete the whole thing lah.

i need tution.

shouted out at 6:01 AM

the rain pours down outside. the clouds are of a hazy shade of grey. Plagued by numerous troubles and insercurities, stuck in a class that i cannot find comfort and warmth. it will never be the same compared to a14. all those unfamiliar faces, unfamiler places. yes no doubt they are very kind and nice people, but we can never click. i have come to realiose, that i am totally lost in this crazy world. the world spins on, i am left in the centre. when can i find solace? when can i find serenity? when?

shouted out at 6:49 AM

they say absence make the heart grow fonder.

i have never understood the true meaning of that.

until now.






06A14.

the only class that was so closely bonded.

the only class that was fun yet hardworking.

the only class that was balanced in sports and acad.

the only class that i felt so at home in.

the only class that i felt so welcomed in.

the only class that i felt warmth.

the only class.

the first intakes of 06A14,

though our time spent together was short,

our memories will last a lifetime.

the first intakes of 06A14,

though we have all split up now,

our paths will converge eventually,

and we will never forget each other.

if we could only turn back time,

if we could only return to where we all were,

if we could only go back to the beginning,

if only.

the first intakes of 06A14,

i miss you all dearly.

dearly.

the most beautiful, magical and fun first 3 months of my life in vjc.

06A14.

shouted out at 7:46 AM

i hope things will get better.

i analysed the situation yesterday, and i realised it's kinda hopeless.

the guys in my class are weird ppl. not trying to insult them or wadever, but they are really werid ppl. to strat of with, i have samuel yee, the npcc enthu. u tell me how can i ever go out with ppl like him, or even be good frens for 2 years? it's impossible, and there's no such thing as "try", cos it's frekain impossible right from, the start. u will get what i mean if u know samuel yee.

then the nomral guys in our class all do not mix with the not normal guys in our class, leaving me in the centre.

the rest of the normal ppl in the class are girls. but u see j-wei is a guy, and i can't be mixing with the girl's clique, tt's so weird lah. 1 guy always together with 5 girls. i tink i wld be damn happy during secondary sch, but i am damn freak out bout tat now. and lit class oso, I AM THE ONLY GUY. ARGHHHH.

okay so tt's bout it my class. 06S63. i am not condemming it, for there are really nice ppl in it. but how am i suppose to find good frens tat i can actually go out with to catch a movie for the next 2 years? u can't be expecting me to watch a movie with SAMUEL RIGHT?

YUCK. only darly tan from scouts does tat.

so as u can see guys and girls, my stituation here is hopeless. lucky i am not tat depressed today cos i managed to do 60% of my math tutorial. shall ask my tuition teacher to explain the rest of the 40%. haha

smile j-we, and face the brave new world tomorrow again, all alone. Alone.

shouted out at 6:04 AM

life can never get more depressing. studies are in a mess. i can't find new frens in my new class. i miss my old class so badly and the feeling just gets worse. everyday i sit on 55, i dunno wtf i am doing. i have no purpose in life. no direction. no goal. no nothing. i am just an aarow travelling aimlessly in the sky. seriously, i have never felt more lonely in my life before. and i just realised, it's going to be 2 long years.

vjc vjc. why am i in vjc in the first place? do i really deserve my place here? why why why.

when no one u can turn to for help, there's only 1 last option.

suicide.

nah i will nv kill myself. so grose.

shouted out at 6:51 AM

outdoor leadership camp 2006

precamp has already more or less mentally prepared me for the real thing. welcome to odac slection camp. oh yeah selection camp. i know from the very beginning tat putting any hopes of being able to join odac would be just plain lying to myself cos the ppl in odac are seriously freakin fit. as in physically fit, something tat j-wei hasn't been able to achieve. so i went to this camp in the spirit of fun and experience, to learn something out of this camp, and at the same time ti compare it with PLTC. of course compared to pltc, this camp is nothing.

well let's go back to pre-camp, it's actually quite useless, ran around with flags looking lyk mega retards, haha actually i kinda got used to all dis running and holding of flags and cheering during precamp. i realised i am in a junior college now, not in my good old victoria school where i was a patrol leader in scouts and i do not need to run about, neither did a "sense of urgency" occured to me during my office as a patrol leader. but now in vj, i am back to the bottom of the food chain, so here i am running about again and getting screamed at and yelled at by ppl whom i call "instructors." haha during the pre camp i didn't really like the idea of calling thme instructors cos they didn't really earned my respect, but now i can safely say they are worthy to be called instructors.

so pre camp again, haha u see i keep diverting from the subject. they tot as basic first aid skills during pre camp, how to pithc basha and all tat sort of stuff. i realised scouts has thought me even mroe than odac. haha odac still teaches ppl how to tie reef knot and firgure of eight. whoohoo.

camp started on monday, boarded the bus to pulau ubin where we had our full day land orientation there. same old scouting days i guess, except now i am the one being ordered to run about the entire island. the hunter becomes the hunted. but somehow i liked it, i like being back to the bottom of the food chain, where we really bonded as a team, oh btw i was in team BLIZZARD. haha so we cheered and ran together as a team as we went from checkpoint to checkpoint. and at the end of the day our kind instructors were kind enuff to get us 2 cans of 100 plus (something which wil beng wld never during PLTC.. haha of cos never right it's frekain pltc.) and i tell u the taste of ice cold 100 plus after a long day's run was better than sex. or at least i know it wld be better then sex. blizzard completed the most number of checkpoints, somehow or rather, haha why are we so pro...

nightwalk followed next, haha freakin hilarious they stationed instructors every 5m apart. i cld see them palying hp and i cld even smell mosquito coil..so much for nightwalk. den they started telling us ghost stories for the solo night, and i started covering my eyes so i wld not hear any of them, AND THEY TOT I WAS HUMJI AND SCARED AND THEY TOT I WAS A FREAKIN NOOB!!! hahaha they didn't know i spent a night before alone myself in ubin before during pltc, and how freaked out i got by listening to wil beng's "headless jap solider" story, so this time i better be safe than sorry. haha but solo night turned out to be even more hilarious. i could see my other team mates at the next tree during solo night. WE COULD EVEN TALK TO EACH OTHER. hahahaha i realised tat pltc is seriously freakin good experience tat toughen me up lah. i mean no longer do i fear solo nights or nightwalks now, all because of scouts and pltc. haha scouts also tot me super important skills lyk knots tying, which made my "building a basha in the dark" operation super succesful and smooth. whoohooo i can tell others i am glad tat i am a scout man. haha three cheers to scouts! :))

seocnd day was ladn orienteering. nothing much to elaborate, except those crazy odac ppl made us climb bukit timah submit, climb fort canning park, walk into turf city in full pack. in 3 days worth of clothes of full pack. haha. nevertheless, we cheered and stood together as one. i am beginning to love blizzard man. the bonding between us is getting stronger day by day.

third day was a full day kayaking, den we went for a 4.8km run. as expected i came in last. but i made a very good achivement, I DIDN'T WALK FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE 4.8KM CROSS COUNTRY. whoohoooo so happy even though i was last. and all the odac-ers just came out and cheer for me lah.. was super touched. hahaha

fourth and fifth day climbing kota tinggi in malaysia. freakin scary man, first time i climb a real mountain. the climb was scary, cos u really relied on your hands and legs, it was a matter of life and death if u suddenly fall. haha but it's fun, yeah real fun. i was quite surprised i coudl climb vertical rock walls, or climb horzontal rock walls, haha quite proud of myself actaully, i climbed the mountain without much injury except for a small cut. yay! but of cos in a life and death situation, u tend to be pushed to the maxinium limits tat u cld ever the pushed to. haha so i guess if u put a vertical rock wall in front of me now i wouldn't be able to climb it. but in kota if u dun climb it u will be stuck there to die. hahaha.

returned back to sch on the fifth day, where we became sai kang warriors. no actaully we were sai kang warriors for the entire duration of the camp. for those who dunno wad sai kang means, it means SHIT WORK. we had to wash tents, mess tins, ponchos, groundsheets, carry tents, keep tents, super sai kang. haha. the prize presenation came, and blizzard WON FIRST. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, WE WERE FIRST!!! CHAMPIONS. HAHAHAHAHAHA. WHOOOHOOO BLIZZARD ROCKS MAN. and for the first price it's a freakin silver odac badge. haha. still can't believe i am actually in a champion team. hahahaha

yup but dis camp screwed my body up quite badly. i need to go for nails manicure, toes pedicure, face whitening, spa, facial, and a powsible skin graft to get rid of my ugly tan lines. haha. oh special thanks to jiamin my dearest BABE, audrey my dearest BABE TOO, jia jia, xy, yongsheng, and a whole lot more ppl who helped me thorugh this camp by talking cock wif me and cheering each other up. haha LOVE all you BABES and DUDES. hahahaha

whooohooo three cheers for BLIZZARD, OLC, ODAC, and of course threee mega cheers for SCOUTS. there's no camp tat can even match close to the standard of pltc. of cos mah, cos got no dexter. hahahaha. but seriously i kinda appreciate wad scouts did to me, i no longer fear such torture camps, for scouts has trained my for any such camps. haha

lucky after straving for 5 full days, ms koh treated me aaron and cheng xing to marche today!!! haha the treat is totally not related to the camp lah. whoohooo wad wonderful food foood fooooooooooood. haha thanks dear, lov ya lots :))


jennifer


aaron

MARCHE MARCHE MARCHE MARCHE!!!

shouted out at 2:11 AM

Welcome to VJC second orientation, where the first intakers entertain themselves in the treehouse, while the OGLs entertain themselves in the hall.

shouted out at 3:28 AM

got some odac pre camp tmr, den the camp starts from monday to friday.

dis whole week had been one of the worst weeks in my life. and next week wld be too. i just wish tat i can travel through time and fast forward to the end of march holidays.

my whole march holidays are gone, burned out by the camp. which means i can't do any revision. which means my studies will remain at the shit standard it is now.

so many questions still not answered. so many insercurities and worries not cleared up. the furture of my life in vjc. the furture of my subjects tat i currently have no single understanding, the future of my best frens who entered other jcs, the future of me in my new class, the future of trying to cope with leaving my old class. yea i am just going to go into this camp with all thmy worries and insercurities unanswered. and this camp is no holiday camp, it's a freakin torture camp, second to PLTC.

i wonder how much more stress can i take before i burst. yeah i guess i am still testing myself with this pressure-o-meter thing. and when i burst perhaps tat's the end of me.

running on very low sleep, very low food, very low everything. i realised i only ate a quarter of my pathedic breakfast and it lasted me the whole day before i ate again at 6pm. wonderful huh.

i have to find a purpose and direction in life soon, before it seriously takes a toll on my mental well being.

on a different note, i am sooo looking forward to seeing my counter hit 10k. whoohoo 5 digit firgure. yes faris can u kindly refresh my blog 175 times so i can hit 10,000. hahaha

shouted out at 6:43 AM

today i was looking back at some of the crazy stuff we did together when i was in a14, how we use to slp during econs lecture, or film simon slping during econs lecture, or randall drawing pictures on his econs notes. then i tot about randall, about royce, about daryl, and how they have influenced my first 3 months life in vjc so much, and made my time there so enjoyable. and i realised how much i loved and missed my old class, how much i wld wish to go back there, and i wanted to just break down and cry on the spot.

i feel so at home in a14, where i can just let my guard down, take off my mask, and just chat and laugh. but in this new class, i can never be myself, i can never be the cheerful and happy j-wei tat i used to be, everytime i enter my new class, i wear a mask, a mask tat i hide behind, a mask tat covers all my insercurities, and act as if i dun give a damn bout what going on in the world. but tt's not me, tt's not me in a14, tat will never be me in a14.

06a14, i miss u guys and girls.

shouted out at 5:48 AM

the appeal results are finally out. none got in. we have lost all of them. actaully i don't really care bout the rest, but i only care for cassidy and aaron, cos i have accopanied them throughout their whole appeal process, and i feel what they are going through, and now, i feel their pain and sorrow.

aaron had 9 points for o's, tt's 1 pt away from me, but yet now he's posted to ajc while i am still in vjc. there's a huge differance between the jcs posted through it was just one point difference. of cos aaron was quite shocked bout his posting results for no one wld ever expected a 9 pointer to get posted to ajc. well actaully aaron knew his posting results 2 days before since moe cock up.. urgh moe alway cock up lah.. bunch of useless ppl who cannot thing out of the box but encourge us to think out of the box..

so the plan was tat on friday when teh real results came out he was to appeal if his posting was really true. all i could do seriously was to accopnay him as a fren to give him moral support, for any other form of help would be superficial. i persoanlly think tellling ppl "everything's gonna be alright" is pure bullshit cos it's never alright. never.

i woke foreced myself to wake up on friday.. running on very little slp i was in the mood for nothing. didn't even eat breakfast, rushed straight down in a cab to meet aaron in vjc. the cab was costly, but i didn't really mind, any price wld be reasonable for providing morla support for my best fren.

when aaron finally arrived, i could see tat he was mentally stressed up and super nervous. he rushed to submit his appeal, den rushed to tj to submit a similar appeal, all this while with his mum fetching him all around, and the silent observer at the back seat of the car wanting so much to console my poor fren but yet knew tat silence was best in that situation.

i witnessed his stress
i witnessed his pain
i witnessed his hard work and effort put into his appeal letter
i witnessed everything.

i accompanied him through all his appeals, and i could really feel his emtions and his thoughts running throuigh his mind. but yet as a fren, i was helpless, there was nothing i could do to help relive him of this mental stress, except to just be by his side.

and now, after all that he had done, he failed his appeal.

same went for cassidy. i could see how stressed up he was today, rushing from vj to vs just to get his letter of recomendation signed by mr khoo. it was a side of cassidy i have never seen before, it was a side of cassidy that hurted all of us, it was a side of cassidy that no one wanted to see. we all tried to help him in anyway we could. shaun was frantically writing a letter on behalf of mr khoo, and his effort and time spent on the letter really won my appreiciation for him. yeah shuan. kum kay shld be rpoud of you. they way we all tried to help our good fren was touching, but yet in vain. all in vain.

i really feel for him and cassidy, i feel hurt, i feel sad, i feel so helpless. what am i suppose to tell them? what am i suppose to help them with now? there's nothing i can do, except wishing them best of luck, and letting them slip away. it's like watching a loved one drown, and u not being able to save them, except to watch them slip away. it's really a very very very sad and helpless feeling.

sometimes i wish i cld just hide at one corner and cry. but den again for whom am i crying for? for my best frens? for them not being able to come into vjc? for what? it's just so stupid. this whole jc admission excersise thing.

so what if i am in vjc? i tink cassidy and aaron deserves a place in vjc much more than me for their consistent hard work put into thier studies. we all knew and cld see for ourselves how hard cassidy worked even while we played and aprtied on. but why? why did he end up in such a state. why are such things happening to him. it's just unfair. so unfair.

i feel so helpless.

so lost.

lord, grant my frens the serenity to accept things they cannot change, and grant me the serenity to accept things i have to accept, and help me move on in life. amen.

shouted out at 6:32 AM

the class of 06A14.

how i tried so hard not to get associated with all of u, but yet failed miserably. we played hard, and never worked at all. we pon lectures. we skipped sch to go sakae eat buffet. we don't do tutorial. we copy assignment and we are proud of it. we played poker during econs lecture, read comics during math lecture, listen ipod, doddle on econs lecture notes, we did every single shit except listening attentively during lectures.

the class of 06A14. the class of fun and joy, peace and laughter.

as we bid our final farewells, each knowing very well we some how or rather would never meet again in future, we are saddened, yet at the same time, happy tat we are all moving on to our next stage of life. our 2 months of brief acquaintance, so short, so fast, yet so memorable.

goodbye 06A14, memories are all that is left of you...


hueyy


daryl aka gongkia aka glue sniffer


dreyy


randall the rock. he's chinese btw


steph


mel


jeff. lit teacher


randall and royce the cucumber boi


royce reading comic during math lecture.


royce playing poker during econs lecture. u realised it's just royce and not us? haha

the class of 06A14. we part here.

but it is never goodbye. never.

shouted out at 10:32 PM

i am blogging this at 1.10am on 4th march 2006. 7 hours more before 8am when the posting results are released.

i am damn confused right now. i really do not know hwat i shld do to convince those who do not get into vjc, and on the other hadn, i have doubts whether i will be able to stay in vj myself, though it's quite unlikey since vj is partial 5 and i got a 4.

have been very despressed today. class outing did little to lighten my spirits up. the more i tink of my frens leaving, splitting up, the more depressed i get.

perhaps i shld stop wallowing in pity.. but really.. i am feeling very lost and confused now.

have to sleep now before i get a splitting headache tmr. oasis - stand by me is another nice song haha.

shouted out at 9:01 AM

got the sch mag finally.

i look cool in the scouts page. haha. i look lyk i am some damn big shot in scouts. sit next to teacher, den head tilt until damn guai lan, but i like. hahaha. jeremy looks more spastic then me on the other side of the photo, he make me look good. hahahahaha i evil sial. den the best part is below, they write "Coursemaster and Treasurer: PL Pao J-wei" wah make me until lyk damn big big big big big big big shot in scouts sial. i actaully got title in front of name leh. i am PATROL LEADER PAO okie hahahaha. damn funny my vj frens see alredy laugh until stomachache. den beside turtle i only one holding 2 posts.. wah lyk damn big shot. hey wait wait, i am big shot mah. hahaha shameless.

my class pic looked lyk shit. shall not eleborate. chook kum kay as usual looked at his handsomest.

den comes to the grad page where i have one whole bloody chunk of big qoute down there by ME. LOLLLLL. mu yao told me they koping something from my blog, but i didn't noe it was tat blody big chunk lah. shit and it's grammatically incorrect lah. wah "emotional bonding shared between both teachers and frens".. seems damn weird lah. eh blogs are always impromtu essays, of cos cannot be grammatically correct at some parts rite. wah now i feel damn malu.

i still miss vs dearly.

all the teachers.. ms jennifer koh, ms lorraine tham, ms sim, mrs seetho.. ahh everybody gets on with life. tt's just it. and ms tham still owe the class her bikini deal. wah basket must ask dennis go organise class outing liao. heh heh heh. later attract all the chee ko pek haha

vjc's fun. will miss my class too. 06A14. haha. shall do a mini tribute on them some time when i am free.

but in the first place, i tink my blog is dead lah.. except for maybe faris. haha faris everyday at home kochok and read blog, den later go pizza hut make pizza. hahahaha.

addcited to oasis. their songs really damn cool. the masterplan, dont' go away, and let there be love. best songs man. best.

i wan wtahc brokeback mountain.. anybody can lend me pirated vcd? haha i humji download cos all the police uncle out there still catching pirates lyk us..

shouted out at 3:20 AM